Golden Balls

Is it just me, or does Vladimir Gurrero look like Arsenio Hall? Seriously, look at that mother fucker. It’s Arsenio with some dreads. I’ve said it before, it’s painful for me to watch the guy bat. That crazy ass swing of his wasn't doing him any favors to start the night. Then, in stepped a Red Sox player to save the day. In his (Gurrero's) first round at bat, David Ortiz reminded me that baseball players can be fun and not just self-centered pricks. When Vlad failed to hit a homer in his first several swings, Ortiz brought a box out to the plate with Ortiz’s bat inside. Vlad stepped up and made it to the second round. It was a funny moment and it’s nice to see players loosen up. After watching two stiff as a board interviews with Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds it was a nice change of pace. It was also fun to watch him blast 450 plus foot shots into the outfield and over the outfield. His longest was 503 feet with nothing but Scotch tape on his hands. Pretty sweet, Arsenio.

Guerrero ended up winning, which was pretty cool because I’ve always liked him as a player. I’ve always had an affinity for the unorthodox players. Especially unorthodox players who use bats from my team's player to win. Then it all went south. My DVR cut the final round off, and that made me realize something. ESPN sucks. They make a three hour event out of something that should take two. They're notorious for that over the last five or six years. Here's something you may have not known, you want to know why the Baseball Tonight team wasn’t there? Because when TBS was announcing the All-Star roster (which boggles my mind as to why TBS was doing anything besides covering the Braves) ESPN cut in before TBS's show was over and re-announced the same thing. So, Bud Selig grounded the Baseball Tonight crew from San Francisco. This is why the circus that is in baseball and surrounds it boggles my mind. At least the games themselves are nestled square in the eye of the storm so I can enjoy that at the very least.

I got a kick out of Chris Berman when he was calling the Derby this year. Not because I like Berman, quite the opposite actually. I loath hearing “back, back, back, back, back, that one is all the way to Sausalito!” Or, “back, back, back, back, back, back, that one is all the way over the Golden Gate Bridge!” Here is a geography lesson for you, Chris. The Golden Gate Bridge is about six miles behind home plate in relation to AT&T Park. That was the Bay Bridge they were hitting towards. What a moron, the Bay Bridge isn't even the same color as the Golden Gate Bridge. Last I checked, the Golden Gate Bridge was a fairly famous structure in the States and easily identified. This guy even went to Harvard. And he didn't just say it once. Oh no, he kept repeating it after someone probably told him that he was marking home runs that were still about two miles away from the wrong San Fran landmark. I’d watch NFL Countdown, Prime Time, or anything else ESPN puts on the air with Berman but I don’t watch it because I fucking hate Chris Berman. Pretty simple. Anyway, when a slugger would get down to their last out State Farm (the sponsor for the Derby) contributed cash to some charity every time a player hit a home run on said ninth out. I loved Berman referring to them as “many golden balls” or "golden balls a plenty." Or my particular favorite "Justin Morneau's pair of golden balls." I don’t think I’ll ever evolve past the age of 13 in my own mind.

Finally, for about 25 seconds Toronto Blue Jay Alex Rios reminded me why I actually tune in to watch the Home Run Derby every year. Then he reminded me that baseball players are mostly assholes when he gave a pen back to a young kid who was requesting his autograph after Rios’s 12 home run second round. What a dick, I think he said he had to do an interview and he didn’t have time. You want kids to be interested in what you do? Sign a couple cards and a baseball, ass.