Tuesday, May 15, 2007

And Now For Something Completely Different...

This blog is supposed to be strictly devoted the Boston Red Sox and baseball in general. However, I would like to take the time to unveil a new, and hopefully ongoing, award series. So, ladies and gentlemen welcome to the…

Inaugural, Infrequent, Non-Timetable, Shut the Fuck Up Awards

This award is not limited to baseball but all sports while in season or not. Also, as the title tells you, there is no frequency to when I will pass these out, just whenever I feel like it.

Best Supporting Player(s) StFU Award – Robert Horry & Bruce Bowen.

These guys have been pissing me off for years. I’ve always hated them from Horry’s goofy looking shot to the fact he has as many rings as Michael Jordan to Bowen’s inability to do anything on a basketball court that starts with “off” and ends “ence.” Now they are back up hatchet men for the least exciting team in NBA history this side of any team Mike Fratello has ever coached. To give you some more background on Bowen (the worse of the two), he’s an NBA vet and journeyman who has been an established hack since his days in a Philadelphia 76ers uniform. Last night in Game 4 of the Western Conference semi-finals Horry hip checked Phoenix Suns guard, multiple NBA MVP and Canadian Steve Nash into the scorers table. Bowen kneed him (Nash) in the balls the other night too. He also about kicked Amare Stoudemire’s leg out from under him last week. Why? Because they are fuckfaces. I know they didn’t technically say anything, but their actions speak louder than words ever could.

Robert Horry & Bruce Bowen, Shut the Fuck Up.

Most Annoying Radio Personality StFU Award – Colin Cowherd


Not only does this guy have a stupid name, it must make him inherently stupid when it comes to matters of everything. He constantly goes on and on and on about how much smarter he is than everyone else. He constantly tells his audience that they don’t get sports, they don’t know what to watch, or the fact they can’t think for themselves despite suffering from a case of severe mental retardation himself. I'm not trying to stick up for "The Herd" because to smart people, he does the Bill O'Reily routine where he pretends to be dumber than he really is to rile up his dumber audience. People that like this guy are ignorant. Today, for just one example (I have many), he talked about how the NBA isn’t worth watching during the regular season and the Eastern Conference isn’t worth watching in the playoffs. Why? Because none of those teams and their series are “chippy” enough like the Spurs/Suns match up. Basically, the NBA is only worth watching when players are reenacting Wrestlemania III. Dumbass. You’re the reason people believe that basketball hasn’t been worth watching since Jordan left.

Colin Cowherd, Shut the Fuck Up.

Repeat Offender StFU Award – Terrell Owens

Hey, T.O., you’ve played for one Hall of Fame coach and two solid coaches in your career and you still don’t have a Super Bowl win. Guess what, I hope you never do! If Owens ever gets a ring, I’ll stop watching football. Well, probably not but I may throw up at the Super Bowl party I’ll be attending the year he hypothetically wins. Yesterday, Owens complained about two time Super Bowl winner Bill Parcells. He then sang the praises of new coach Wade Phillips. Wade Goddamned Phillips. I hope Owens is hungry, because he’ll be dining on those words by about Week 6 this season. The picture depicts Parcells showing Owens how to not drop a football.

Terrell Owens, Shut the Fuck Up.

Lifetime Achievement StFU Award – Stephen A. Smith

I was happy when ESPN finally shit canned Screamin’ A’s “talk show” “Quite Frankly” (his catchphrase) on ESPN 2. Quite frankly, I’m glad ESPN wised up and cut back on his face time. He’s now making guest appearances on General Hospital. No doubt blasting it because the hospital itself is painted all white. He’s like the Rush Limbaugh of sports commentating. He’s loud, obnoxious, and if your opinion is different than his you’re an idiot. He’s a blown up, over exaggerated caricature of what is wrong with ESPN and their mob of mostly idiot broadcasters. What’s worse? He’s not playing up to the camera or acting the part of an angry man like Rush does (I’m not defending the prescription addicted, Viagra popping, racist Republican either). He’s real. To top all of this, he’s a HUGE Yankee’s fan.

Stephen A. Smith, Shut the Fuck Up.

Honorable mention – Jim Rome. He was a close second. Maybe next time Jimbo. Presenting your award will be Jim Everett. But just for the heck of it because it's coming someday anyway...

Jim Rome, Shut the Fuck Up

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