President of Red Sox Nation

Obviously, I just wanted an excuse to post this picture.

I've basically got two guys I'm planning I'm voting for, and being a paying member of Red Sox Nation (so I'm guaranteed a crack at Green Monster tickets when I go to Boston next summer) I feel like I need to make an educated vote. As of right now, these two guys are my two early front runners. Jerry Remy comes in at a close third, but as Bill Simmons writes, I would be concerned about him getting cancer and dying like, gee I don't know, five minutes from posting this. So, here are Peter Gammon's and Simmons' official campaign platform speeches. The only thing holding Gammons back at the moment is #9. Yikes, no thanks.

First, the Sox defeated the Baltimore Orioles this afternoon 7-4 to take the series after Tim Wakefield pitched seven innings giving up three runs. Eric Gagne was thwarted for a scoreless effort in his Red Sox debut by Aubrey Huff in the ninth. Gagne pitched in a non-save situation, but did get Jay Gibbons to fly out to end the game.

Gammons
If elected, I make 10 promises:
1. That I will get Luis Tiant, Jim Rice, Smokey Joe Wood and Janet Marie Smith into the Hall of Fame. Tip O'Neill made me promise I would fight for Smokey Joe to my deathbed.
2. That the Red Sox will provide every youngster in New England a video of Dwight Evans playing right field, so they can learn how to play that position correctly.
3. That all politicians have to pay their way into the park.
4. That, like Lyndon Johnson in 1960, Jerry Remy will be asked to be my running mate. After all, I was the first guy in Boston to discover him, at Somerset High School. And The Rev. Thomas Kennedy will be my Secretary of State, for the good of world peace, and rigging deals to get the best international players into the Red Sox farm system.
5. That the farthest west rest area on the Massachusetts Turnpike will be renamed "Wasdin Place."
6. That MIT will be renamed Matsuzaka Institute of Technology.
7. That we will built a seating section so that 1000 kids a game can get in--via a lottery--for $5 a head.
8. That if we can have cities and towns named after Red Sox like Wiilamstown, Lynn, Everett, Montgomery, Lee, the town of Westin will be renamed "Ortizton."
9. That Pearl Jam will play Fenway.
10. That every Opening Day, every school in New England will play Ken Coleman's call of Carl Yastrzemski's catch off Tom Tresh preseving Bill Rohr's no-hitter against the Yankees in 1967.

Bill Simmons
I'm running for President of Red Sox Nation for ten reasons. First, I've always wanted to be the President of something; at this point, I don't really care what it is. Second, I think I can get free tickets out of this. Third, I heard Mike O'Malley might run, and as much as I enjoy his work, we can't let him be President after he already subjected us to seven years of "Yes, Dear." Fourth, I'm the guy who once wrote a column called "Why Roger Clemens is the Anti-Christ," you have to vote me just for that. Fifth, unlike with that chainsmoker Jerry Remy, you'd never have to worry about my health during my tenure - and even if something does happen to me, you'll be in capable hands with my running mate, Rich Garces. Sixth, I dressed up as Fred Lynn for two straight Halloweens in '75 and '76- even as a kid, I was making great decisions. Seventh, I'm sure you have people in your life - in the office, in your dorm, in your family - who claim to be true Sox fans but couldn't pick Todd Benzinger or Dewey Evans out of a police lineup. I'm going to create a nationwide competency test to weed out these bandwagon jerks. Eighth, I spent the last four years in California learning about political leadership from the great Arnold Schwarzenegger - with that kind of training, I'm going to be unstoppable. Ninth, I have not one, not two but THREE friends named Sully. That has to count for something. And tenth, I'm going to use my presidential powers to get more free stuff for kids - free Red Sox Nation memberships, free tickets, free stuff from the Pro Shop and everything else. Vote for Simmons or you're basically admitting that you don't care about kids.