The 2nd Lamest Gary

Probably the crudest mock up ever in the digital era, but I’m at work with only Microsoft Paint to use so sorry, that’s what you get. The little bundle of joy that our Commander and Chief is holding is Mid-Atlantic Sports Net/ESPN employee, Baltimore Oriole’s announcer on MASN, and all around fuckstick Gary Thorne. I actually watched MASN’s broadcast of the O’s versus the Red Sox last night with Mr. Thorne and Oriole’s Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer. So what’s the big deal you ask? Well, normally there wouldn’t be anything special about watching a game on my MLB Extra Innings Package, but last night was special. I guess.

Thorne called into question the validity of Curt Schilling’s bloody sock from Game 6 of the 2004 American League Championship Series. This of course was the night where Shil’ went for seven innings, gave up only one homer to Bernie Williams in the bottom of the 7^th and sent the Sox into the history books as the only team in MLB playoff history to force a Game 7 after starting the series down three games to none. Not only that (and most important in this case) but the guy pitched with a hatchet job of a repaired tendon in his right ankle held down by three sutures. Yes, the infamous “bloody sock” incident.

To make a long story short, I was sitting on my couch watching the game when Gar’ told Palmer and the rest of the world watching the game that Doug Mirabelli (Sox backup catcher and Tim Wakefield personal slave) told him that Schilling’s sock was painted to give the appearance of blood and that it was just a PR stunt. What? Huh? Did I just hear what I thought I did? Why the fuck would Mirabelli talk to Thorne anyway? On the other hand, if he did tell Thorne this he’s a bigger douche than I thought. Of course Palmer didn’t really feed the flame at all and just sort of passed it off as nothing. It wasn’t a huge discussion and Thorne went back to what was actually in his job description and went back to calling the game. I didn’t think twice about it and dismissed Thorne as having a momentary lapse of intelligence. Then, today, I read the Boston Globe and Herald headlines for the Sox like I always do in the morning with breakfast and it’s all over. I go to ESPN, CBS Sportsline, FOX Sports and it’s really all over the goddamn place. Really? Come on. Really? Are we suddenly revisiting middle school?

Now look, sports announcers fuck things up on a regular basis and no one bats an eye. It’s usually just getting little things wrong, like where a guy played college ball, what round he was drafted in. Shit like that. Not making outrageous claims about moments in baseball history. I understand my team’s want to clear Schilling’s name in light of Thorne’s Clue!-like accusations, and I’m not going to blast my team for sticking up for him and giving a shred of attention and legitimacy to Thorne’s claim. That’s not where I’m going. Schilling pulled off a hell of a feat that night and toughing it out to pitch seven complete innings of playoff baseball in front of 56,000+ strong of the opponent’s fans. In fucking Yankee’s Stadium no less! He even did it again to less fanfare in Game 2 of the World Series against the St. Louis Cardinals, however I’m straying from my point. The point is I’m not sure what the hell was going through Thorne’s brain (that resides in a rather abnormally large mellon) and why he would make something like that up. Of course after the game Mirabelli denied it and Schilling and Francona basically told the reporters to go pound sand and that Thorne’s a moron, blah blah blah.

The whole thing is pretty gay. I’m sure the Hall of Fame would accept a painted sock posing as a bloody sock. Right. The damn thing has turned brownish now as all blood stained clothing items will eventually do. Is Thorne mad that the Oriole’s started the season series off with a thud against a team that beat them 15 out of 18 times last year? He kept making references to how much Boston went out and spent on JD Drew and Dice-K last off season. That may be a small clue that Mr. Thorne isn’t happy that the Oriole’s are consistently sucking on the tailpipe of the Red Sox (and Yankees) every year.

Hopefully this whole thing gets squashed and Thorne just shuts the fuck up tonight and calls the game without starting stupid rumors about things that have nothing to do with him, the organization he works for, or the Baltimore Orioles. Speaking of which the second and final game of the series is just getting underway between these two teams with Josh Beckett on the mound going for his 5^th with of the season already. I’ll be out of town this weekend so I won’t be able to update until after the second series between the Sox and Yanks is in the books on Sunday night. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say.

Who is the lamest Gary you ask? Well, that would be former Extreme/Van Halen and all around lame-ass Gary Sharone. Seriously, look him up. He's really really fucking lame.