It's Not Baseball, It's....

Packers, the Musical!

Today, in order to commemorate two events I could really care less about, the Packers playing against the Cowboys and Broadway reopening, I decided to put the two together. It’s the Game Of The Century II and it’s on the NFL Network. Way to go. To the 378 people that will be watching outside of Texas Stadium I’m sure you’re in for a treat. As for the rest of us? Make your travel reservations now, this is sure to be a hit!

Think of this as the NFL meets West Side Story, or something.

Hugh Jackman as Brett Favre

Fresh off his cancellation of musical/lame television drama about a fictional Las Vegas in Viva Laughlin, Jackman and his five-o’clock shadow are primed to debut in the lead of the singing version of John Madden’s not-so-secret homo-erotic fantasy. This is sure to drive the former Raider coach over the edge and straight onto a float as grand marshal in a gay pride parade.

Nathan Lane as Mike McCarthy

McCarthy is boring, always wears a drab green jacket and is not fabulous. Lane should be able to reverse all of these qualities on stage.

Don Cheadle as Donald Driver

Cheadle is from Kansas City, Missouri. Driver is from Houston, Texas. Cheadle made a movie about genocide in Africa. Driver has 38 career touchdowns. What are the similarities? They share the same Christian name, look kinda the similar and have wonderful singing voices.

Djimon Hounsou as Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila

These guys don’t have as many shared qualities as Don Cheadle and Donald Driver, however they both have names I can’t pronounce, so this is the ultimate qualifier in this equation. Also, I've heard one plays futbol and the other plays football. Oh, and they drive the white women crazy.

Kenan Thompson as Ryan Pickett

Don’t know who Ryan Pickett is? That’s ok. He’s a big, African-American football player for the Packers who’s probably not very funny on Saturday night live. The difference? One is a football player for the Packers.

Andrew Bryniarski as AJ Hawk

Do you know how hard it is to find an actor with that stupid haircut? I really had to dig for this one. I’ve seen Bryniarski in some interviews and he seems borderline nuts. You’d have to be nuts to cut (or not) your hair like it’s 1992 and marry Brady Quinn’s crazy ass sister.

Bill Bellamy as Charles Woodson

Back to the “Any Given Sunday” well, I know, but I needed a Charles Woodson. Uncanny. They could be brothers. Wait...

James Van Der Beek as Tony Romo

Big chin? Check. Irresistible smile? Check. Special place in my heart and America’s heart? Big check.

Will Smith as Terrell Owens

Of course these two don’t look too similar, but it’s more about the award winning egos that each of these men encompass and how they are never short on words to remind you of how awesome they are, even if Owens had a sub par final year in Philly or Smith staring in Wild Wild West. They.still.won’t.stop.fucking.talking.

Morris Chestnut as Roy Williams

I don’t know much about Morris Chestnut other than the fact that his career at USC came to a screeching halt before it got started because Doughboy is a God damn hothead. At least Tre Styles made it college and finally made it with Brandi. What?? That was a movie? Shit.

Anthony Hopkins as Wade Phillips

Hopkins can play any role in the world, he’s from England for God’s sake, they invented acting. Hopkins will take on his greatest role since Hannibal Lecter. Why? Because he’ll need to emulate Phillips’ ability to act like he’s coaching and taking all the credit for his team’s success. Hopkins will have to gain a considerable amount of weight, but he's one of those committed actor types. Phillips is seen here describing the size of the sub he ate before this press conference. Hopkins is shown eating his Oscar Award. He chews solid gold. Solid fucking gold folks.

Burt Reynolds as Jerry Jones

Shave the moustache and you’ve got a formerly wrinkly, now botoxed up old southerner who only makes people happy when he’s doing a good job. Sorry Burt, had to do it.

P.S. I hate you Jerry

Carrie Underwood as Carrie Underwood

Is Romo still dating Underwood? I'll have to consult my wife about this one. Oh well, what guy knows these things anyway? All I know is that if I can stick her on Broadway for a 28-year run of this musical than I’ll finally be rid of her because, well, I don’t like Underwood or pay attention to musicals. I just come up with awesome premises for them.